Remembering Dad

Today would be Dad's (William Roger Hail) 85th birthday.  Since his passing away in December I've been trying to compose my thoughts. I knew the day was going to come but I wasn’t ready for it.
Dad had been in decline for years due to Parkinson's disease. I don't think it affected his personality any but it hit him physically and with hallucinations. He was frustrated as a person who had always been very active and busy; to see things that he knew (or was told) couldn't be there; to be unable to move or even read the way he wanted.  That is a hard way to fight the last years of your life. I suspect there is more I could have done to help him, I think I let him down in that battle.

There are a lot stories to tell, things he did, places he visited and worked.  There are a lot of things I don’t know.  That is a hard part about losing someone, you think of things you didn’t know and now can’t ask. It is probably always that way unless you are a real tight family where there are few secrets with an open and honest relationship.  We weren't that in some ways.  Dad worked hard for us, he was out in the field a lot doing work he seemed to love.  I don't fault him for it, it was what was expected of his gender and generation but I grew used to some distance from him.  It also didn't help that I didn't share his love for hunting and fishing, I tried but wasn't into it.  The same for sports, Dad played baseball, football and basketball in high school and college. We went to games and watched on TV but for me it wasn't all that interesting.  Peter did a lot better in those departments although I think I ended up being a better shot.

Were we did click was military history.  He studied it like nobody else I know and because it was interesting to me, I picked up a lot of it. I could never study it like he would, reading all 15 volumes of Morison's History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, more than once for example.  He could answer any question I had about WW-I or WW-II or of many other conflicts in history.  He and I were never in the military but we had a sense for how conflict starts, how wars progress, mistakes that end up killing innocents, and the evil of those trying to remain in power.  I think he studied military conflict to understand who we are as people, not to be impressed by things being blown up.  He studied the planning, the execution, the consequences of action, and the leaders who were successful in honorable ways and and then showing them to me as examples.  I learned a lot from him, he definitely had an impact on who I, Peter, and Louise became.

His work was pulling out of rocks and mountains the secrets they had about water and where it would go and do.  From ranches in Lassen County to flooded Bengali plains to African deserts to a Caribbean island to Middle East deserts to Peruvian mountains to the US Rockies, he found his working knowledge of water and rocks to be a fulfilling and worthwhile career.  I think, I never asked that question, but I am pretty sure it was for him. I learned what it was to be an engineer by watching him work and on occasion going out to the fields with him.  He showed me responsibility, I could see his work led to important, expensive decisions that would be made from his data and conclusions.  I could see being precise and concise was important in communicating his results. And I could see, which is true in engineering, that many things don't have to be precise, that some things are not significant, they can be rounded off.  Not sweating the insignificant details is part of my engineering career. Not always a good thing in personal relationships I eventually learned.

And then there was the fishing. Everywhere, how was the fishing?  From the smallest creeks of Lassen County, to the Sacramento River, to any river running to the sea in Northern California, to Alaskan rivers, to Russian rivers on the Kamchatka peninsula, to rivers everywhere in the US Rockies, to probably every fishable river in New Zealand.

So many stories with Dad.
Fishing around Snag Lake.
Fishing at Bear Lake.
The cabin on Clear Lake.
Hunting Chukar at Pete's Valley.
Showing me fossil sea shells in a mountain range.
Forgetting the trigger lock key for my shotgun, having him look at me, roll his eyes and leave me at the truck to figure it out.  (I used the hacksaw blade on his pocket knife to cut the lock casing and then joined him on the goose hunt.)
Telling me not to shoot yet, I shoot anyway, the goose shakes it off and takes off again.
Snorkeling in the Caribbean looking for lobster and coming eye to eye with barracuda in the murky water.
Logging data from a water well test in the middle of a sugar field.
Listening to him tell ranchers that water witches are hooey.
Listening to him tell uncles Ray and Leo where to try to find water on their land and what was happening to the water table in the Susan River valley.
His smoking cigars and drinking scotch with grandpa Evan.
Talking to grandpa Bill about rocks and fishing.
Trying to teach me poker and cribbage.
My taking the head off the Ford Falcon engine and putting it back on, his amazement it ran again.
His telling me to turn that crap down when he caught me playing Black Sabbath too loud. (I thought the speakers were off, I had headphones on.)  Dad was a classical guy.
Taking him for an airplane ride for the first time in the Bonanza and the door popping open half way through the flight. The one door was right next to him.  Not a problem.
Snake charmers in our yard in Dacca.
He and I searching for the guys who tried to kidnap me in Dacca.
Taking me to the hospital after Peter ran me over with his bicycle.  "Hey Dad, I think I did something to my elbow."
Regrets for not flying to Fort Collins to attend his retirement party.
Going to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
All of us flying to Tokyo in 1966 on a Pan Am 707.
All of us climbing around the Acropolis in Athens.
The Imperial War Museum in London.
Riding a train up into the Bengali tea plantations.
Golfing around a Hindu temple.
Hanging around the pool at the club.
Watching a movie on 16mm film at the Embassy.
Watching a very unexpectedly raunchy cowboy movie.
Watching John Wayne movies.  He loved John Wayne.
Watching the original Star Trek original broadcasts.
Only getting to see so many cartoons Saturday morning until the basketball or football started.
Going to a Giants game with Willie Mays.
Having Raiders season tickets.
Watching Peter play football.
Vegetable gardening with the mali in Dacca.
Vegetable gardening in San Jose.
Vegetable gardening in Fort Collins.
The story of catching a goose by its leg.
The story of him shooting grandpa Bill in the foot.
Showing me how to clean fish.
Sliding off the road in uncle Glenn's station wagon one icy snowy night out of Susanville.
Throwing up on the road between Chico and Susanville.
Helping Jill birth her puppies.
Telling me I had to take my "tree house" out of the almond tree, which was probably crazy dangerous.
Showing me how to write the number four properly, as an engineer.
Letting me do what I wanted in college, as long as I was an engineer.
Backpacking in the Sierra Nevada.
Backpacking in the Cascades and he has a heart attack, we found out when we got back after three days.
Backpacking in the Rockies and denying we made those nice pine bough beds the nice ranger people found behind us.

I'm glad Dad is no longer suffering, I hope he was ready.  He lives on in my memories.  I am sure in many others.

Another YouTube discussion :-)

lougalou04

You must have faith to understand, Tom. I can never get over how dark, pessimistic and negative so many atheists are. You have no joy in your heart. Perhaps that is the difference between many of the faithful and atheists. I hear Stephen Fry with his histrionics bashing religion, cursing God, and being all negative. Then I hear you doing the same. You all remind me of that character from 'Lil Abner" who had a cloud of rain following him wherever he went. No joy. No happiness. In fact, I practically feel sorry for you all. 


Tom Hail

+lougalou04 It must be that you only know atheists online where we take on and ridicule religious beliefs like the priest's video here. I and all atheists I know lead fulfilling, meaningful and happy lives. I bet you know atheists and don't know it. I live with a beautiful and incredibly patient special needs teacher, I have daughters and granddaughter who are making meaningful and productive lives for themselves without religion. I have the respect and love from friends and family who I respect and love. I support my family, community, nation and many peoples with my work and charity. I give my time and resources freely in charity and community works. I am not a special or uncommon atheist.

I rejoice in seeing Venus, Mars, and the Moon in a tight triangle, the flight of an owl, the power of waves crashing into rock that will eventually give way to the ocean. When I fly my plane I celebrate the ingenuity that created the engine, wings, avionics, and the training that gives me the confidence to climb into my flying machine and rise above the earth for a little while. Looking at a hillside of trees and grass I marvel at the trillions upon trillions of cells in all those plants busily turning sunlight into chemical energy and replicating themselves almost always perfectly.

No joy?! I laugh at you! You have NO IDEA how unrestrained I am, no fear of death, only of dying painfully before I'm ready. I attack religion for this very reason, I feel sorry for those who waste so much of their lives with it. So much human endeavour wasted in the wishful thinking and false hope of this bullshit. It is almost criminal. And then I attack religion for trying to control my life, to say what is moral when it has no moral standing to judge me by, to say what my purpose in life should be when it has nothing real to offer, to claim truth when it is obviously fantasy to control the masses. Faith is NOT a virtue in any sense, to believe without evidence is to give up your touted free will. Faith is to be despised.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/+TomHail/posts/T5qVZXxpx1M

Just wanted to capture this in case Google crashes.

I was told to look in the mirror as an answer to this.

I look in the mirror and don't see any hatred of minorities. I am a minority. I've tolerated religion all my life and still do, I don't oppress anyone, and seldom make claims without evidence. However, religion doesn't get a free pass anymore. If it makes claims that can't be substantiated, it gets questioned. No longer is faith a virtue. No longer can religion claim moral high ground. No longer can religion claim the only purpose and meaning to life. No longer can religion claim any explanation for why or how we came to be. Showing where religion is wrong is rational human growth, progress out of darkness and superstition. That isn't war, that's rational thought. That's growing out of fear and into understanding of our place in the universe. If the religious feel embattled and persecuted, they should consider the arguments they make based on ancient texts and personal anecdotes that usually are easily explained by statistics, imperfect human perception, and corruption.

I do hate. I hate mutilation of children's genitals in the name of religion. I hate stoning of women on religious grounds. I hate the child abuse that is telling a small child that they will burn in hell without proper belief in gods/Jesus/whatever. I hate the undemocratic control religion has over people with the subsequent inevitable abuse of power. Hate is not always a bad thing.

There is Always a Price

I was listening to George Hrab's Geologic Podcast episode where he replies to a new atheist about the loss of a loved one.  George made a point I had known but never knew how to put into words.

Everything has a cost or a price.  That car you want.  The career you strive for.  The power or status you crave.  Also other things less materialistic like ethics and morals.   Learning and research.   But maybe the heaviest price is paid for friendships and relationships.

This isn't saying it is bad to pay a price for these things, only that it is there in many forms.  And it may be that the emotional price of a relationship is the biggest for most of us.

When do we pay the price?  Sometimes the relationship is costly as it progresses no matter how it ends.  A relationship may be costly at the beginning for many reasons.  But it seems that at the end of a relationship is where the highest costs are, especially with death, because this is when the realization that you'll never be seeing that person (or pet) again sets in and the sorrow for the loss is the final emotional cost of that relationship.

I think the price is worth paying for a good relationship and most of us do.  Some of us avoid the price by avoiding or limiting relationships which I think limits life too much.  But other people avoid the cost by pretending there is a place where we all go when we die, where the relationship will continue for eternity as if that is a desirable thing.  Besides the fact that this is totally made up with no evidence, it is also cheating, diminishing the price of the relationship lost.  "Oh, I'll just see mom in Heaven when it is my time" is a dismissal of the relationship.  To diminish the cost of the loss with wishful thinking about an afterlife is denial of the cost of the relationship.  It's like shoplifting a candy bar, a short quick satisfaction and doesn't really satisfy the hunger and has it's own cost.

I don't think most people really feel all that much better thinking that there is an afterlife.  The loss is huge, the pain is real, the sorrow is deep for most of us anyway.  Why cheapen the meaning of the relationship with this fantasy/wish for a later reunion?

There might be more thoughts on this...

Atheism definition

I saw a new, concise definition of Atheism.

Atheism is not the absence of belief, it's the freedom to believe in what is true.

No matter what any scripture says, I can believe that evolution is how we came to be, that we live in a 13.7 billion year old universe, that women are equal to men, that it is ok to be gay, that meaningful life does not begin at conception, and many other things that can be shown to exist or be true.  It means that our morality is of our own doing and responsibility.  Purpose and meaning in life is what we make of it for ourselves and again we are responsible for it.